New Study Lends Weight to Conspiracy Theorist

Shunned for Years for His Fracking Theory, Ted Plainer Has Suddenly Become One of the Most Credible People On Earth.

5 years ago, Tim Plainer took a big risk. What Tim would later refer to as his "Mayan Fracking Postulate" was about to go public and cause him years of pain and exile. Since then, he's undergone unspeakable rejection and mental abuse from both of his friends and practically all of his school piers. But today, in lieu of a new scientific study - oh, how the tides have changed.

Perched comfortably in front of a rusted out desk that appears to have been sitting in his parents basement for ages, Tim's smile is so big, it's clearly visible in the dim light cast by his computer monitor.

Plainer twitches with seemingly uncontrollable excitement as he explains his theory to me. "What if I told you that everything you think you know about fracking is wrong?" Tim says. What if I told you that the Mayans were waaaay to advanced not to know about fracking. But what would a Mayan frack for? They didn't have a need for fossil fuels like we do now, did they? No! But what they did have was a deep reverence for their gods - everybody knows that. So the theory writes itself, really. The only logical thing to assume is that Mayans started the fracking industry to appease their otherwise furious gods. Fracking clearly made their gods happy. They taught it to other tribes, and European's gained access to this secret god appeasing ritual shortly after arriving in the new world, and we've kept it alive and well all these years, effectively preventing Armageddon from happening.

"When I realized that green energy is basically a code name for a global operation geared at killing everyone on the planet, I knew I'd have doubters, but I also knew they'd all see soon enough that it was a very real problem. When I decided to be a whistle blower and call out members of the UN and Zionist cabal for attempting to hasten the end of the world through their "green energy,", I knew I'd be spending some long days down here in the basement for my own safety." But today, it's all panning out. People are reading this new study, and no one's laughing now.

It's perfectly obvious that the Mayans were an extremely advanced civilization. Everybody knows they had aliens teaching them to be all advanced like that. And if the Mayans could get such fine seams in their stone masonrywhich coincidentally seeks to phase out fracking, and even more coincidentally, would incite the Mayan gods to unprecedented bout of rage, which would doubtless cause the quick obliteration of the planet and every they all laughed at me. But not today, not after this study came out. No one's laughing now.

The study Tim refers to just came out yesterday and was conducted by MIIT graduate, Peter Mully. Mully claims he was "bored as hell" and decided to run an algorithm on his junk-mail folder. recently found that the more unique and obscure a statement is, the more likely it is to be true.

"If you had asked about Ted Plainer a few days ago, I would have told you that he was a disillusion 35 year old male that lived in his parents basement. After reading the recent study, I now view him as one of the most credible people I've ever known."